Chris Jepson: Fox News - A growing Boomer movement

I’m on pins and needles in anticipation of the first Republican presidential debate scheduled for Thursday evening (Aug. 6) on Fox News. Only 10 candidates will be on the Cleveland stage but we’ll see enough to get the drift. It will be nine good ol’white boys and probably one clueless black dude (see: Dr. Ben Carson). They’re all clueless but being black and Republican takes cluelessness to a whole new level. It’s almost like being female and Republican.

I read a spoof about Fox News that the prominent American porn star Jenna Jameson had been hired to give live, on-air analysis of the debates. I thought, sure, why not. The media arm of the Republican Party is Fox News and what better way to garner viewers (essentially really old white boys) than to mix-in actual porn stars with their news “professionals.” Fox News: your station for politics and pornography, the sacred and the profane. I anticipate a lot of Viagra ads during the Republican debates.

A burgeoning boomer movement is underway to limit how much time their elderly parents spend watching Fox News. Anecdotal reporting suggests that too much Fox News substantially increases the “gullibility” factor and under extreme situations (weekly viewership exceeding 15 minutes) the Stockholm syndrome has been observed.

Just as we restrict adolescent viewing of pornography because it is harmful to young minds, well, the same is being argued about elder consumption of Fox News. It’s harmful to impressionable, unthinking older minds. To borrow an applicable slogan, "A mind is a terrible thing to waste." Again, only anecdotally, some types of dementia and cases of early onset Alzheimer’s disease were actually reversed when patients switched to public television from Fox News.

Speaking of dementia, consider the Republican debates. As bad, as inane, as meaningless as I anticipate the debates to be, I’m all over it. Actually, I’m making a party of it. I recommend as much for all reflective Americans.

Gather friends and relatives (shield your children and pets), pop the corn and perhaps to make the most of such moments, guests could arrive wearing the best Donald Trump comb-over toupee. The most outlandish wins the door prize of whatever you, as host, determine to be the best Republican response to, say, gun control. My current favorite is from Jeb Bush, “The sound of our guns is the sound of freedom.” Ah, that patriotic All-American NRA ratta-tat-tat of bullets bouncing off bodies. Brings back such “fresh” memories of Virginia Tech and Sandy Hook and Aurora, Colo., and Ft. Hood and Charleston and . . .

What I want to hear from the Republican presidential candidates is how Social Security and Medicare are ruining America and that the only way to make sure that future generations of Americans have more security in their senior years is to privatize it all, toss-out-the-baby-with-bath-water so to speak.

Oh, and to make America more competitive, don’t we need to aggressively drive down the wages (see: last 40 years) of our nation’s workforce to become competitive with China? As China’s middle classes rise, ours falls, corporate profits rise. Such a win/win for unfettered capitalism.

If we could only get GOP creationism into all our public schools. Throw in climate change denial. Not to mention what ought to happen to uppity women who actually want to control their own bodies. I expect so much from the Republican debates.

Now a word from a topless Jenna Jameson at fair and balanced Fox News.