Chris Jepson: The Republican mind

Speaking of black holes, I just love the Republican mind, don’t you? I like how ideas to address what challenges America are lost there. I so respect the Republican mind for its openness to science and rational thought. Oh, and the Republican mind is such a thing of exquisite beauty as it righteously dismisses evolution as an idea “straight from the pit of hell."

That Republicans now control both houses of government sends shivers of delight up my spine when I think of how “scientific consensus” will be dismissed as a hoax and Biblical Creationism advanced as an appropriate subject for our public schools.

The Republican mind is a thing of unmitigated wonder as it devolves backward to the 14th century. A recent poll had more Republicans today than in 2009 – more than 50 percent of Republicans – dismissing evolution and embracing the idea so cogently summed-up by Georgia Congressman Paul Broun, “I don’t believe that the Earth’s but about 9,000 years old. I believe it was created in six days as we know them. That’s what the Bible says.” Such protestations of fealty to mythological creation stories are a testament to the majestic mind of Congressman Broun.

Amazingly, delightfully, Congressman Broun is an actual medical doctor. It is fitting that the Republican Party has such first-rate, rational, scientific representatives in its illustrious ranks. Such minds undoubtedly advance the cause of science and help separate America from the increasingly competitive world of business and technology.

I am reminded of what an inspiration the Ronald Reagan White House was when astrologer Joan Quigley was on a monthly $3,000 retainer (paid by Mrs. Reagan). Imagine that glorious time in American history when astrology determined “when the planets were in favorable alignment” for Republican governance. A mind staggers in admiration.

President Reagan’s former chief of staff Donald T. Regan revealed in his memoir “For the Record: From Wall Street to Washington” that, “Virtually every major move and decision the Reagans made during my time as White House chief of staff was cleared in advance with a woman in San Francisco who drew up horoscopes to make certain that the planets were in favorable alignment for the enterprise.” The astrologer had a direct phone line to the White House and Camp David. Is it any wonder Republicans today are so dogged in their determination to dismiss science, so inspiring was President Reagan’s White House embrace of the mystical and occult.

And so it should come as no surprise that Republicans today, during the last election cycle, so adroitly and demurely declined to comment on climate change. Why should they? Republicans aren’t scientists. My goodness, no, of course they’re not. Florida Gov. Rick Scott said exactly that when asked by the Miami Herald whether or not he believed climate change was having an impact on our weather. He refused to speculate because, “Well, I’m not a scientist,” he offered.

Golleeee Gomer, Republicans sure aren’t scientists, but they aren’t engineers either and they vote on bills dealing with infrastructure like roads and bridges. Oh, and Republicans aren’t educators, but boy do they know for certain what should be taught in our public schools.

But that is what is so doggone inspiring about Republicans. They unapologetically don’t mind checking their brains at the door when it comes to rational thought, facts and recognizing a “scientific consensus.”

Dumb is the Republican Gold Standard, best summed-up by the immortal Sgt. Schultz of “Hogan’s Heroes,” “I know nothing.” Isn’t that charming?