How to talk to your kids about Uvalde

Open communication, asking questions and family interaction are some ways families can deal with negative emotions.

By Andrea Mujica
| 2:51 p.m. June 13, 2022

West Orange Times & Observer
News

MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS

Alicia Barilla has been a school counselor and educational therapist at Foundation Academy for a little more than two years. She is also a mother of two.

“Overall, people assume if you see a counselor, something is wrong,” she said. “I think there could be more of a self-process to think, ‘It’s healthy to spend an hour per week assessing with a counselor to just process what’s going on in your life.’ It doesn’t mean that something has to be wrong; you can be proactive, and that’s when you can usually make the most change. It’s part of our health. We go to the gym to be physically healthy, so allowing some time for your mental health can be (a) proactive (way) to learn healthy coping skills, as opposed to develop unhealthy coping skills and then seeking help.

“Even just talking about feelings,” she said. “It’s not even just students, it’s also adults. Knowing how to attach the right emotion that they are feeling and find the right word to describe that. We struggle with that as a society as a whole, because we say, ‘I’m upset.’ Well then, why are you upset? Are you fearful, are you sad, are you worried? … With children, they don’t even know what they are feeling.”

Alexandre also believes easier access to mental health could help the younger generation of children who have had to grow up during the years of COVID-19 and mass shootings.

“How do we start educating the United States of America?” she asked. “You need a licensed professional that has been trained, and has certifications, that can sit down and pick out that kid in the cafeteria. When do we start training the teachers social-emotional learning so they learn how to recognize that in the classroom? These teachers are so overwhelmed already.”

The counselors added that mental-health awareness should also be taken into consideration on a regular basis.

“You are not going to wait until you have diabetes to watch your diet, right?” Villegas said. “So we have these proactive approaches to manage our physical health that we can see, but the things that aren’t seen, they need the same proactive approach.”

Recently, communities within the United States have experienced not one, but several, acts of violence that have forced families to have tough and delicate conversations at home.

West Orange-based therapists say validation and honesty are keys to successful conversations between parents and children.

Adult therapist Mirsha Alexandre has been practicing since 2015 and also is a mother of three. She believes adults need to validate their feelings and those of their children during difficult situations.

“We try so hard to pretend like we are not breaking, that we are not scared, or that we are not hurt or fazed, and that doesn’t help anybody,” she said. “It doesn’t help our kids, it doesn’t help the school, it doesn’t help us.

“If the school doesn’t know the parents are scared, they are not going to change anything,” Alexandre said. “If the kids don’t know their parents are scared or feeling something, they are going to think their emotions are crazy. So stop pretending you are not feeling something and normalize it. … Talk about it with your kids, what are they feeling, validate them. You don’t have to scare them. Don’t project your fears and anxieties onto them, because they can’t handle that.”

Child therapist Marissa Siegel recommends having open communication within the household.

“Be honest and blatant,” she said. “Depending on how old the child is if they think they are mature enough to have the conversation, don’t beat around the bush and explain that there are dangers in the world and things that are scary.”

Jessica Villegas, from Hi-Lite Coaching and Consulting, agreed, and said calmness also is key.

“My kids are more nervous about natural disasters than they are about intruders on campus,” she said. “It is crazy, but if they have questions, we just discuss them. … Address the topic casually: Do you have any worries? Do you have any anxieties? … When you maintain calmness as a parent, your child will mirror that. So it you are very stressed and anxious, and you have a moment where you are showing them your fears, they are going to mirror that.”

Gina Gavilanez of Westridge Middle School said: “I think they think it’s very normal. … The kids couldn’t understand why we were taking the purses and fanny packs, and the principal decided to do that because of what happened the night before. … I don’t think they think it’s so serious, from a child’s point of view.”

RECOMMENDATIONS

Don’t ignore the topic. Depending on the age, and how much the child knows, address the conversation and be assertive. If you don’t have the answer, that’s OK. You don’t necessary have to have the answer, but provide them with a safe space to talk and feel heard.
Talk about “circle of control.” Parents like to feel their kids are always safe. However, there are moments when things fall outside of their circle of control, so it makes it impossible for a parent to protect them from being in harm’s way. Ask them, what can you do about this? What can you control?
Have family interactions without any electronic devices. Go out for a walk, have a nice family dinner, have a drawing session, play a board game together or even go for a bike ride. This way, the kids will realize it’s not only school, work, eat and sleep, but that there are other things involved as well.
See something, say something. If your kids don’t feel that they understand the school’s protocol regarding certain situations, encourage them to talk to their teachers, to go into the principal’s office and address their concerns. Motivate them to ask the hard questions and advocate for their lives.
Parents can be as involved as they want with their kids school. If they are worried about their kids’ safety, have them reach out to their teacher. Teachers are open to answer every question parents may have, being via email or phone.
Learn to reflect and build resilience, whether it is with your kid or with a therapist. People need to focus on their inside health as much as on their outside health.
Take some time off to decompress and relax. If you are charged with negative emotions, you are more likely to transfer that to your kids. The better you feel about yourself, the better you’ll be able to make your kids feel.
Be open with your kids. Teach your kids not to abuse social media and not to abuse the use of their phones. Social media is a world in itself, and it is always going to be there. If they are watching the news on social media and they are aware of what is happening, talk to them about it. Ask them about their opinion so they can form their own and not just simply consume information. Challenge them to form their own answer to the hard questions: What do you think about that? Are you aware of what that means?

author

Andrea Mujica

Staff writer Andrea Mujica covers sports, news and features. She holds both a bachelor's degree in journalism and an MBA from the University of Central Florida. When she’s not on the sidelines, you can find Andrea coaching rowers at the Orlando Area Rowing Society in Windermere.