I need a man!

“And I don’t care about the way you look

You should know I’m not that impressed

‘Cause there’s just one thing that I’m looking for

And he don’t wear a dress

I need a man!”

—Annie Lennox of the Eurythmics

I’m looking for a few good men. Please apply. I’ve decided to open up a screening service for all my female friends who are looking for a man. Years ago, I thought I might pursue a second career as a “Wonder Bra” consultant. A service job. I felt as capable as any applicant but was disqualified when, during the interview, I laughingly questioned the ethics of promising more than you can deliver, you know, “truth in advertising.” No such humor in the fitting room, I was told. This was serious business.

As is finding appropriate men for exceptional women. Which is the only “type” I know. I’m singularly unimpressed with the male sex. I greatly respect our aggressive, can-do, git ‘er done, creative, build-it-now qualities but, my gawd, men can be so booooooring. We seem to love one thing above all else: the sound of our own voice waxing authoritatively (idiotic?). Can you hear me now! Men are such pathetic one-note creatures. Let me hum a few notes, “Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!” Poor Johnny One-Note!

Yet, women continue to want us. Go figure. Smart, accomplished, self-confident women.

Okay, here goes. I have to start with the most important quality — Intelligence. There simply is no substitute for intelligence. If that value is lacking or insufficient, well, long term, you (a woman) will be disappointed. Men, you must be intellectually curious.

So many other attributes spin-off the raw horsepower issue. No doubt other qualities, such as kindness and generosity, are critically important. But boredom dooms as many relationships as being a jerk or selfishness.

Empathy. Being able to imagine, internalize and feel what another human being is experiencing is a key attribute. Whether or not you “course correct” based on that is another issue. Some situations require a detached, analytical response but being aware of (and acknowledging) why the other person might feel as she does is key. Listen!

Looks are so subjective that they are irrelevant to me. Besides, you cannot judge a book by its cover. Don’t you just love a platitude? No fatties, however, need apply. No cigarette smokers either. Athleticism preferred.

No Mama’s Boys, no whiners (I hate whiners), no belittlers, no nit-pickers, no ultimatum-makers, no slackers need apply. Self-confidence backed-up with success is key. Key!

Be able to take care of yourself financially. The women I know carry their own weight in this regard. Divorced is OK. Mistakes (lapses in judgment) happen.

Humor is critical. No “taking yourself” too seriously. Must be reflective. A fiscally conservative, socially liberal Republican is perfectly acceptable. A secular humanist, deist, agnostic or atheist is suitable. Must read fiction for enjoyment.

Sex. That four-letter word! The women I know don’t necessarily want to be “cruise directors” but any man should be capable of, uh, “playground” course corrections. Creative generosity in bed is a given. “Reciprocity is the lubricant of life.”

I’ve an accomplished, financially secure woman in her 40s looking for the above. Seriously. All age-appropriate candidates shoot me your vita at my e-mail address. Pass muster and I’ll pass it on.