Chris Jepson: Bernie Madoff to join Trump administration

Sifting through thousands of secretive Tweet blasts and factually certain social media accounts, this intrepid journalist of the Perspectives column has determined the following. The recent Dec. 6 Trump “Victory Tour” to Fayetteville, N.C. was actually a “ruse.” President-elect Donald Trump used the Fayetteville stop as an opportunity to secretly meet with Bernie Madoff at the Federal Correctional Institution Butner Medium, near Butner, N.C. According to reliable “inside” sources, President-elect Trump and Mr. Madoff negotiated for over an hour in the privacy of the medium security facility.

Mr. Madoff (prisoner #61727-054) is serving a 150-year term for financial fraud. Madoff confessed to operating the largest Ponzi scheme in American history, with some estimates of investor losses placed at $65 billion. Mr. Trump was — as detailed on Snapchat — greatly impressed with Madoff’s grand vision of deceit as well as his superb execution of the massive fraud. It was “HUGE,” according to President-elect Trump, “just the kind of monetary expertise needed in my administration.”

After several tense minutes of negotiations President Deal-Maker Trump and Mr. Madoff reached a historic agreement that will have Mr. Madoff serving as Chief Financial Advisor to the president-elect. Trump agreed to pardon Mr. Madoff the day Mr. Trump is sworn-in as president.

A sticking point in the Trump-Madoff negotiations was Mr. Madoff’s insistence that at the end of Trump’s presidency, he would again serve as the non-executive chairman of the NASDAQ stock market. President-elect Trump countered with the following stipulation, that Angelo Mozilo (former Countrywide Financial CEO) and Jeffrey Skilling (former CEO of Enron Corporation, prisoner #29296-179) serve as Mr. Madoff’s primary advisers.

Skilling is serving a 14-year term in federal prison for financial fraud and will also be pardoned. In 2010, Angelo Mozilo settled with the Securities and Exchange Commission over securities fraud and insider trading charges, paying $67.5 million in fines. President-elect Trump agreed to nullify Mozilo’s lifetime ban from serving as a director of any public company. Trump was recorded by a Ukrainian-authorized hack of his presidential transition team (and released clandestinely on the internet) as gloating that his economic team will be the “The greatest ever! They’ll be huge. I’ll make America great again!”

In related, highly-true news from undeniably reputable information sources (Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter, SVR RF and Sean Hannity), it can now be reported that the Trump transition team is interviewing the following individuals for key positions within the Trump administration: Jack Abramoff, Larry Craig, Joaquín Archivaldo “El Chapo” Guzmán Loera, Denny Hastert, Dinesh Joseph D'Souza, Jared Fogle and O.J. Simpson.

Michael Flynn Jr., the recently dismissed son of Gen. Michael Flynn (unbelievably, Trump’s pick to be national security adviser), well, both father and son used social media accounts to promote a fictitious pre-election story of a real Washington, D.C. pizza restaurant (Comet Ping Pong Pizza) as a front for a child prostitution ring run by Hillary Clinton.

Cue the crazies. So unbelievable was the story that, regardless, an addled, gunned-up North Carolinian, Edgar Welch, drove to Washington to free the imprisoned Clinton–enslaved children. Welch was arrested but not before blowing the door handle off a locked pizza door.

Based on Trump’s actual nominees for his cabinet (See: Carson, Pruitt, McMahon, Puzder, DeVos, Flynn, “plunder-monkeys” et al), which is infinitely more believable, that Bernie Madoff will soon be Washington bound or that Hillary enslaved children?

Yes, Trump will drain the “swamp.” Right into the White House. And won’t Madoff be yet another great addition to the Trump team?