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Winter Park / Maitland Observer Thursday, Jan. 14, 2010 9 years ago

A stroke here, A stroke there ...

by: Chris Jepson Staff Writer

A stroke here, a stroke there and pretty soon you're thinking like Dick Cheney or Rush Limbaugh. That's my theory on what has happened to the vice president. I'll bet he's had a series of small strokes over the years (decades, actually), imperceptible to the casual observer, but cumulatively, devastating to his cerebral cortex. Little burned-out brain places that prevent him from ever connecting the dots, not only that, but from connecting with humanity.

For all we know Dick Cheney might be working with the equivalent of an advanced "Alzheimeric" brain. Swiss cheese, in other words. Hopefully, his heirs will insist upon an autopsy come that fateful day when what remaining life that remains in him finally evaporates. Envision an image of one last, final wisp of snarling bleakness inexorably coiling into oblivion. An autopsy will undoubtedly reveal that the vice president was for all intents and purposes brain dead for nearly 35 years prior to his actual demise, only his brain kept spouting right wing rhetoric. Poor Dear just couldn't help himself. Thank goodness for Depends, particularly during those stressful times when you blast a fellow hunter in the head.

Rush Limbaugh fried his brain on illegal prescription drugs secured by his black hired help. Too funny. He pled guilty to a crime he once-upon-a-time thought warranted castration and a lifetime of incarceration. But not for white boys, don't-cha-see. He destroyed his hearing with drugs and now wears hearing aids the size of Texas and occasionally pops into an emergency room with chest palpitations. But not to worry, Limbaugh has a Grinch's pinched little heart matched with a simpleton's mind. Again, a perfect match. Reduced mental capacity – right wing dribble.

Speaking of which, Sarah Palin is the Republican Party's best presidential candidate. You know what? It's true. By 2012, Sarah will have actually read a book or two. Which immediately qualifies her for higher office. Republican standards being what they are. Oh, I'm sorry. It's not that Republicans don't read, it's that they all read from the same book, ur, excuse me once again, not the same book, unfortunately, it's goofiness gleaned from all reading the same page. Not even an entire book.

Oh, that's not right either. Remember how, once-upon-a-time, we were all so utterly fascinated with Ayn Rand's work. She's the Republican's rediscovered (yet again, sigh) intellectual darling of the moment. You remember don't-cha. I was 15 at the time (1964) when I fell in love with Howard Roark of "The Fountainhead." Ooooh, the rugged individual incapable of bending to the masses, unwilling to compromise with mendacious totalitarian mediocrity. Love it. I do.

Then Rand wrote "Atlas Shrugged." Which causes modern day Republicans to be nearly orgasmic, so excited they are by the idea of all the "smart, unyielding" right thinking, virtuous entrepreneurs withholding their talents as America crumbles and the dissipated left is crushed, left to mindlessly mutter, "Who is John Galt?" As the nation rebuilds itself, Phoenix like, on the righteous virtue of Republican selfishness. With Tom Selleck and John Voight seamlessly tap-dancing out "Yankee Doodle Dandy" and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir belting out "The Battle Hymn of the Republic." All gloriously choreographed in the finest Busby Berkeley tradition! And Sarah Palin is crowned Queen of North America, ur, President of the United States and wait, what's this? Dick Cheney is persuaded Lazarus-like, to again serve the nation as vice president. Oh, happy daze. Huzzanah! Huzzanah!

Wouldn't that (2012) be just the bestest Republican Convention of all time!! A Palin/Cheney ticket. No brain and Swiss cheese brain. Hmmm? We've already done that you say? (Think: 2000/2004 elections.) Gosh. We have. Uncanny. Yet! Republican redux!

Actually, that is patently unfair. Sarah Palin does have a brain, contrary to all those nasty left-leaning reports by the "drive-by" media. She does read books (Any number of the Gospel of Wealth screeds. She, like totally man, internalized the following: Jesus wants me, personally, me to be wealthy! He does!). Palin listened to that message on books on tape (the unabridged in-tongue version.) Palin is reported to have started "Atlas Shrugged" several times but found a much better use for that voluminous book as a doorstop. I have to agree on that one. Sarah ghostwrote a bestseller that sums up her life and philosophy as follows:

"I'm so pretty. I'm pretty simplistic. But that's OK cuz I'm soooo pretty. I'm your grrrrl. Vote simplistic. Vote Republican."

Whatta ya think!?! I don't know. That sounds a lot like the last few Republican presidential campaigns.

America confronts monumental challenges in the 21st century but what do "our" Republicans do but trot out simplistic 18th century rhetoric and run it up the founding fathers' flagpole and require we all genuflect or we are somewhat suspect. Unpatriotic for sure.

Hey, you right wing numbchucks, dipsticks if you will, if the good ol' days of our founding fathers are the golden benchmark of our democracy, why don't we reinstitute the voting standards from those halcyon times? If only white, propertied men were who the founding fathers saw fit to vote, why change the standards? I mean you are a strict constructionist (original intent, etc., ad nauseum)? Uh, uh, uh.

Oh, and please, let's not forget an even more sacred text than the American Constitution, Adam Smith's "Wealth of Nations," a book that presents the foundations of capitalism 101. Capitalism is but one expression of one form of human activity. My only criticism is that in "some" circles that "one particular expression" has become the end all/be all manifestation of what it means to be a human being (and how we organize ourselves). Simple thinking, yet again.

It's like the Republican Party (since Nixon) has had a series of collective little strokes, much as Vice President Cheney in a probability has experienced. Either that or they've all drunk the same Kool Aid of simplistic thinking. No taxes. No regulations. Terrorists everywhere! America forever! At war.

Oh, before you get your Republican undies all in a knot, I am going to sink even lower next week. What can be lower than "dissin'" the Republican brain-dead? So sorry for the redundancy. What can be lower than "dissin'" Republicans?

Democrats! At least Republicans have an excuse. They don't pretentiously claim to have the intellect. See: Sarah "I'm so pretty" Palin.

Next week: "On Electing President Brainiac: Just Another Suit."

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