Play On!

Recently the weather has been the kind that gets people writing to the Chamber of Commerce for having lured them falsely to a “balmy clime.”

•From a friend: “Stimulus Plan: Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. ‘Well,’ he says, ‘I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.’ The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, ‘Well, I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.’ The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, ‘$2,700.’ The official, incredulous, says, ‘You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?’ The Chicago contractor whispers back, ‘$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.’ ‘Done!’ replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how a stimulus plan works.”

•A nice young assistant manager named Noel made it possible for me to do some extended shopping in Costco #185 on University Boulevard. My legs will no longer agree to such an extensive walk, and Noel, apologizing for the fact that no motorized carts were available, did no less than push me through his whole big store. If I were a Costco executive, I would: 1. Give Noel lots of brownie points — even a raise, and 2. provide enough motorized carts to accommodate customers like me, who spend more than small change there.

•President Ronald Reagan’s son Ron is marketing a book he wrote about his father. Ron’s book is coming out now at the time of the celebration of President Reagan’s 100th birthday. In the book, Ron exhibits what I consider to be extremely poor taste in publicizing what he maintains was his father’s suffering from Alzheimer’s while in the White House. If that fact is true, Ron would have been much more considerate not to advertise it. (P.s.: If President Reagan truly had Alzheimer’s in the White House and did the magnificent job he did, just think of what he would have done in good health!)

•Orange County Mayor Teresa Jacobs tells planners of the Dr. Phillip’s Center for the Performing Arts to look elsewhere for a $30 million loan still needed to start construction on the Center’s first $282.6 million phase. Because of the recession, plans for the $383 million arts center have been split into two phases … even after deciding to split the project, arts officials have refused to change the Center’s design in order to save money. Locating this $30 million loan will be daunting, the Center’s officials surmise.

•Under our law, the sin of blasphemy is not legally a crime.

•If Mark Twain is not the greatest American author, who is?