Louis Roney: Sage advice from a beloved sage

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash in Alaska on Aug. 15,1935, was one of the greatest political sages in this country’s history.

Famous for his homespun humor and for lampooning Congress, Rogers was born in 1879 in Oologah Indian Territory (now Oklahoma). Part Cherokee, he was taught how to lasso Texas longhorns by a freed slave on the family ranch. He dropped out of school after the 10th grade to become a cowboy.

He started his show-biz career as a trick rider and roper in Wild West shows. He’s listed in the Guinness Book of World Records for throwing three lassos at the same time—one catching a running horse around the neck, another the rider, and the third lassoing the horse’s four legs. His feats can be seen in a movie called “The Ropin’ Fool.”

But it was as a humorist and commentator that Rogers made his mark. He starred in vaudeville shows, Broadway musicals, and the “Ziegfeld Follies.” When audiences applauded the wisecracks he made during his rope tricks, his career began to take off. He worked his act up into full-fledged satire and commentary, beginning with his signature line, “All I know is what I read in the papers.”

He became known for his cracker-barrel humor, telling the unvarnished truth in plain and simple terms. He made 71 movies, wrote 4,000 syndicated newspaper columns, and six books. He was the first famous radio commentator, and his opinions were sought by world leaders. But he remained a simple man; famous for saying “I never met a man I didn’t like.”

Enjoy the following Rogerisms:

1. Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.
2. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
3. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
4. Always drink upstream from the herd.
5. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
6. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.
7. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on an electric fence and find out for themselves.
8. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
9. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. Moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
10. Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and politicians as a joke.
11. If stupidity got us into this mess, why can’t it get us out?

About growing older, he said: “First—Eventually you’ll reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. Second — The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. Third — When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra. Fourth — You know you’re getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. Fifth — Being young is beautiful: being old is comfortable. Sixth — If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you’re old. And, finally — One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.”

Amen! Happy New Year!