Chris Jepson: The newly reminted moderate Mitt

Lady Astor: “My God sir! You’re drunk!”

Winston Churchill: “Why yes madam, I am. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.”

Relax. I want all my Democratic, liberal friends to just breathe in and relax. It’s going to be just fine. Take a deep breath. It will be all right. Barack Obama is going to be re-elected president. He is.

Yes, Obama had an off night in the first debate, and Romney, well, Romney was himself.

By that I mean Mercurial Mitt was in full makeover mode. Tax cuts for the wealthy? What? Mitt ain’t for that. Shut the front door! No way. Five trillion dollars in tax cuts? Mitt never implied that (except, of course, he did). Cut education funding? What? And hurt our kids! Not ol’ moderate Mitt!

Yes, the Mittster did recently state, “There are 47 percent of the people who will vote for the president no matter what … and my job is not to worry about those people. I’ll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives.” But guess what? He didn’t mean it! Really. He now likes 100 percent of Americans. Even smelly unwashed impoverished Americans on commie food stamps. He likes ’um all. Really.

Don’t worry about the new moderate Mitt who was rolled out last week during the Denver debate. You remember Moderate Mitt? Once upon a time he supported abortion rights. Yes, he did! Really! Not only that but wifey-Ann gave Planned Parenthood a $150 contribution at a fundraiser. She did! Honestly! So when Mitt found “life” so, too, did wifey-Ann. Imagine that! Mitt claimed in 1994 that, “I don’t line up with the NRA,” and then he actually enacted a measure of gun reform. See, Massachusetts Mitt has a backbone. Really.

Oh, my! Mitt, in another life, said that humans cause climate change. Noooo, you say? Yes, really! And Mitt, not so many years ago, advocated an individual insurance mandate. Really. Yes, something Republicans supported before Obama advocated as much.

Two phrases come to mind when I think of the newly reminted Moderate Mitt. The first is, “You can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear.” The second is “hoisted on your petard.” Ol’ silk stocking Moderate Mitt slummed too long with the Tea Party/Sow’s Ear wing of the Republican Party for any miraculous “moderate” transformation to be even remotely believable. What Mitt says this week — this moment — is no guarantee what he’ll believe tomorrow or next year.

I’m surprised Republicans support Mitt’s dissembling. Most Americans consider it an unappealing quality in a man. Mitt Romney is essentially a coward when you get down to it. He does not have the courage of his own convictions. Because he has none. For any longer than a week or year. Ultimately he will be hoisted on his own petard. He tossed out the moderation “bomb” and public blowback will inevitably sink his candidacy. There is no “there” to Romney. He’s an apparition, a ghost, a man without compass or backbone.

I’m reminded of that exchange between Astor and Churchill. However Romney might label Obama, the president needs to say, “Why yes Mitt, perhaps I am. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be Mitt Romney.”

A thin shell of a man. A Republican without conviction or principle. A tawdry, shape-shifting business oligarch, a shameless opportunist and presidential loser.