Growing the bank of love

It being that time of year (Valentine’s Day, give or take a week), I couldn’t resist addressing the subject of love. To get a better understanding of the current love environment, I trolled some of the more popular advice for the lovelorn. I thought I had seen it all, but I was blown away.

Blame my naiveté, but I was raised on “Dear Abby,” where people mostly wanted advice on how to get along with their in-laws and how to communicate with their children. The raciest it ever got might involve a husband’s wonderings about appropriate nightwear, or a wife’s fears that her husband might be ogling the next-door neighbor.

Contemporary advice columns seem to focus more on sexual technique (a wide range of it) and how many partners one must have before it’s considered cheating. And then there is the sheer volume of requests. Don’t people have anyone to talk with about their problems? And what makes the advice columnists so expert, save for their ability to respond in clever and titillating ways?

As I sorted through the columns, though, I was struck by a persistent longing for people to find some sort of fulfillment through their romantic encounters. It was never really about the technique, or the numbers, but a desire to find this elusive thing called love: to find someone who would cherish, comfort and respect a person. And those seemed to be in short supply.

Might I be so bold as to suggest that the lack of suitable partners has a lot to do with how we view love in general? Right now, our society seems to treat love like a lottery rather than an investment. We play the field hoping that we might somehow hit the jackpot: find the right person who will make us happy. That is the stuff romantic comedies are made of.

However, in real life, love is much more like an investment: it requires a significant contribution rather than an occasional splurge. Real love requires an investment of forgiveness, helpfulness (like getting up when the baby is crying), understanding, compassion and trust. None of these are cheap, but the ROI (return on investment) can be amazing!

In my church we are blessed with several couples who have enjoyed more than 60 years of marriage. As I look at them, I see incredible returns on their investments. I see the comfortableness of a life built together. I see them bearing with one another’s quirks in order to provide each other with a space to be who they are. I see them holding hands with great tenderness. I see them wiping each other’s brows when that sickness part of the “in sickness and in health” rolls around. That’s something day traders in love never get to experience.

Like all investments, values can fluctuate. I am sure that many couples go through times when they think they will go bankrupt. One person is investing and investing without much seeming return. And yet when they hang on through the bear markets of love, they see their investments multiply. The secret is to patiently wait for the turnaround, while confronting the difficulties.

What happens when you run out of stuff to invest? What if your emotional energy and hope are all dried up? A long time ago, Jesus told some of his friends: “Love one another as I have loved you” (John 13:34). I used to think that Jesus was just telling them to imitate Him: try harder. But I think this truth goes much deeper. I think Jesus is not only giving direction but power here. He understood that people would never be able to love others the way He did unless they knew His love. I have discovered that when I have nothing left, Jesus does. You simply need to know how to access that love.

The sad thing about many of those advice columns is that they keep giving the same advice over and over again. Is anyone listening? If technique could do it, we’d have a lot more happy people running around than we currently do. Something to think about …

Rev. Jim Govatos currently serves as Senior Pastor at Aloma United Methodist Church located in Winter Park. A former atheist, Jim is passionate about helping people understand and experience a living faith in Jesus Christ. Please share your thoughts by emailing him at jimg@ alomazone.org