Chris Jepson: Houston, we have a problem

I can’t bring myself to write much about Congressman John Mica or his inevitable re-election on Nov. 4. He is the antithesis of what I want in a legislator, in a leader. From his voting record scored by The League of Conservation Voters, Congressman Mica had a 2013 voting history of 0 percent as a pro-environment supporter. Worse, he does not support your daughter’s, a woman’s right to reproductive choice. That Winter Park, Central Florida would repeatedly re-elect John Mica will one-day be recorded as illustrative of why America declined into mediocrity. We elected and re-elected intransigent ideologues and simplistic sycophants.

Service to John Mica is limited to “them that got me here.” He no doubt says, “No problem” when toeing the Republican Party line or rather, perhaps, “How high should I jump, Sir?” But enough of such unfortunate matters, let’s discuss a “problem” that we all experience every time we dine out.

Let me paint the following scenario. Go into any restaurant and up walks your waiter or waitress. You exchange pleasantries (if that is your style). The menu is discussed. Drinks are ordered and you ask for a lemon with your water. And immediately out of your waiter’s mouth comes “No problem.” The first of many “No problems.”

I am extremely polite to wait staff for a variety of reasons and will thank them for their service as they provide it. A “your welcome” or a comical “I live to serve” or a “you bet” works for me, but what I hear 94.7 percent of the time is, “No problem.”

Let me be clear, “no problem,” as an idiom is not confined to just restaurants, it’s a ubiquitous expression that has permeated the American service industry at every level. My dentist may have actually uttered it. I absolutely, unequivocally detest it.

I realize that “no problem” is merely an unthinking language habit that has crept into usage as a universal response for a myriad of server/clientele exchanges. No doubt it chaps me because I am older. Americans under the age of 30, I imagine, don’t give it a thought.

Is it really “no problem” that you are waiting on me and my guests? Is it “no problem” that I will be giving you money? Or, is it an opportunity to earn a wage plus a tip? I have some advice for wait staff: If you want to increase your tips, adjust your language. All anyone wants in life is her own sweet way. A waitress wants a clean reputable restaurant offering tasty meals and repeat clientele who appreciate good food and respect the staff. She wants the hours and the resulting income to pay her bills and further her dreams.

Here are two tips: when a customer asks for something (a napkin, a pepper grinder, another drink) nod your head affirmatively and get it in a timely manner and if a customer offers a thank you for anything, make eye contact and say, “You’re welcome.” Practice these words, “You’re welcome.” Sincerely said and I predict your income will increase as a result.

“No problem” works as a response to a friend, a relative or co-worker. But in a monetary transaction such as waitressing it does not.

I recommend that restaurant managers clip off the top part of this column—as reading about Mica inevitably gives one indigestion let alone heartburn—and post it where your wait staff clocks in. You’re welcome.