Louis Roney: Age

If you have decided — along with me — to grow old, arm yourself with humor. I think of my own life as a nice, comfortable car that I have driven for a long time. Maybe I don’t push the accelerator recklessly to the floor so much any more. But I am happier than ever to go where I need to go, and to get myself safely back to my own garage without jeopardizing tomorrow’s trip.

Henny Youngman once said, “A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by the doctor instead of the police.”

George Burns, who lapped a lot of his friends on the track of a long life, said funny things about aging — while he was doing it. One thing George said speaks eloquently to my own feelings: “You can’t help getting older, but you don’t have to get old.”

Here are some other Burns observations that came from a funny mind at peace with itself:

“When I was young, the Dead Sea was still alive.”

“I can remember when the air was clean, and sex was dirty.”

Let me amuse you with a few other observations as to “age”:

“Middle age is having the choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.” — Dan Bennett

“Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.” — Joey Adams “The trouble is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired.” — Milton Berle

“The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” —Lucille Ball

“I have often thought that the aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.” — George W. Bush

“Aging is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” — Satchel Paige “Age is something that doesn’t matter — unless you’re a cheese.” — Billie Burke

“You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.” — Bob Hope

“The cardiologist’s diet: ‘If it tastes good, spit it out.’” — Paulina Borsook

Voltaire said, “Doctors are men who prescribe medicines of which they know little, to cure diseases of which they know less, in human beings of whom they know nothing.”

Mark Twain, also a cynic, said, “The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.”

“My doctor just gave me two weeks to live. I hope they’re in August.” — Ronnie Shakes

“A doctor said to a man, ‘You’re going to live until you’re 60.’ The man said, ‘I am 60.’ The doctor said, “What did I tell you?’” — Henny Youngman

“My grandfather’s forgetful. One day he took me aside — and left me there.” — Ron Richards “The best way to get praise is to die.” — Italian proverb

“I’m growing old by myself. My wife hasn’t had a birthday in years.” — Milton Berle

Robert Frost said, “A diplomat is a man who always remembers his wife’s birthday, but never remembers her age.”

“One of the chief pleasures of middle age is looking back at the people you didn’t marry.” — Anonymous

“Middle age is when a woman’s hair starts to turn from gray to blond.” — Anonymous

Doris Day said, “The most frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you’ll grow out of it.”

“I don’t date women my age. There aren’t any.” — Milton Berle

“I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.” — Rodney Dangerfield

Dorothy L. Sayers said, “As I grow older and older and totter toward the tomb, I find that I care less and less who goes to bed with whom.”

“Be nice to your children. They’re going to pick your nursing home.” — Phyllis Diller

“Life is like a dog sled team. If you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes.” — Lewis Grizzard

“Don’t worry about tomorrow. Who knows what will happen to you today?” — Yiddish saying “Despite the high cost of living, it’s still quite popular.’ — Laurence J. Peter

Oscar Wilde said, “Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not.”

“I don’t feel 90. In fact, I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.” — Bob Hope Want to go to sleep with a smile on your face? Thank heaven for today, and look forward to tomorrow.