Chris Jepson: Send in the clowns

Ah, the party of ideas is gearing-up to select its presidential nominee and, wait, what’s this, the candidates are already here unloading from the GOP clown car. There’s a ruckus down there folks. It’s quite a gaggle of Republican buffoons all trying, elbows flying, to be the one stepping first from the official Koch-sponsored car of Republican clowns.

Oh, there’s Sarah Palin dressed as Goofy. My how she’s grown in the role. And to think she was once the actual Republican nominee to be vice president of the United States. Impressive, indeed. Always a crowd favorite is good-ol’-boy FOX TV’s very own and the pride of Arkansas Mikey Huckabee spouting his Daffy Duck nonsense. Wait! Sanctimonious Rick Santorum just figuratively knee-capped Huckabee with a bodacious barrage of righteous fundamentals, no doubt, so inspiring to the mindless multitudes of the GOP faithful. It’s obvious that Huckabee and Santorum will be vying for the always-critical tongue-talking wing of the GOP.

Brand spanking new this year is the Republican Moderate Mobile. Now, don’t be fooled folks. It’s the same-ol’ classic Republican nonsense, just spun as reasonable. It’s a whiz-bang of a three-wheeler clown car for sure with lots of shrieking sirens, flashing terrorist warning lights and, you bet, just what you’d expect from Republicans — it’s constantly blowing smoke out it’s rear end. What’s this? The clowns, uh, candidates are all stuck spinning their conservative records as somehow moderate.

Whoa! Governor Chris Christie breaks out first, costumed, of course, as Sergeant Schultz of “Hogan’s Heroes” fame. He knows nothing about the Washington Bridge scandal but, hey folks, plausible deniability is such a helpful executive, hmmm, option. It’s a shame folks that Christie didn’t surgically, um, tie the one thing that would actually help America – his acerbic tongue.

Wait a second. What’s this? Florida has two moderate entries in the Republican presidential clown sweepstakes? You bet-cha. Marco ''Cuba Libre!” Rubio and Jeb (I’m Not My Brother) Bush.

Rubio is the South Florida master of moderate spin. His parents single-handedly and heroically fought against Fidel Castro until forced to retreat during a pitched gun battle and through a hail of bullets, to literally swim the treacherous shark-infested waters to Key West. Nah, that didn’t happen. And neither were his parents Cuban refuges. They exited Cuba a full two years before Castro actually came to power, but that didn’t stop Rubio from embellishing his history as coming from an heroic family of aggrieved Cuban refugees. Rubio is for immigration reform until he isn’t. He won’t stand-up to his South Florida Tea Party base. But why should he? That would require both guts and a spine.

Joining Christie and Rubio (as “not” part of the Certifiable Crazy Wing of the Republican Party of Sarah Palin and Rick Santorum) is Jeb “Let’s All Just Forget Terri Schiavo” Bush. He’s a moderate Republican for sure and the early GOP favorite.

Bush is for a less intrusive government. Until, of course, he isn’t? Like all Republicans. You recall the tragically sad story of Terri Schiavo, medically brain-dead and on life support for eight years and declared by “a Florida circuit court to be in a persistent vegetative state.” The husband wanted to disconnect life support but Governor "Terri's Law" Bush intervened and intrusively placed himself in a private family matter. But, oh, how Bush burnished his clown credentials with the many GOP wing-nuts.

Stephen Sondheim wrote, “Send in the Clowns.” And the RNC is doing exactly that. Make that, Republican National Clowns.