Chris Jepson: Gimme some good 'ole lobotomy

House Congressional Republicans asked President Obama to launch an FBI investigation into recently released stolen emails indicating that major donors to the Republican Party are requiring prospective Republican presidential candidates to have partial or full lobotomies.

Embattled WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange released a press statement suggesting that, “To the most casual observer, it is apparent, listening to the GOP presidential candidates, that lobotomies are the only plausible explanation for the words coming out of their mouths.”

Republican National Committee Chair Reince Priebus vehemently denied that lobotomies were performed on four presidential candidates during the August 2015 “Koch Primary.” Former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, Florida Sen. Marco Rubio, Texas Sen. Ted Cruz and Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker attended a retreat (The Koch Primary) held by Freedom Partners, the political arm of billionaire Republican conservatives, Charles and David Koch.

Released WikiLeaks documents indicate that Dr. Ima Moronic of the Paducah, Ky., Sacred Bodily Fluids Clinic performed the 15-minute procedure free of charge on each of the prospective presidential candidates, with varying degrees of success. According to medical notes recorded by Dr. Moronic, “It was obvious that some candidates had already experienced earlier partial lobotomies.”

According to impartial analysis of the emails, clandestine lobotomies have become more and more common and are now required of any “serious” Republican political candidate, even down to local school board elections.

Political observers recognized mental changes to the general Republican electorate beginning in the early 1970s. A national turning point was the election of Ronald Reagan. An early-lobotomized Republican, he led the way — by example — for all Republican politicians.

With the rise of FOX News, Rush Limbaugh, the Tea Party, et al, what remained of the Republican brain ossified into an unthinking mass, a rigidity of empty platitudes and hollow ideas (Trickle Down Economics, War is Peace, Mission Accomplished, Every Sperm is Sacred). To keep pace with the inexorable decline in the ability of voters to think critically required a new breed of politician able to connect with the average Republican voter. Hence: “The National Republican Lobotomy Initiative: Coming soon to your hometown.” (To spot an LR — a Lobotomized Republican — look closely for the small telltale scar along the politician’s hairline).

According to WikiLeaks, major Republican donors have agreed to underwrite any costs associated with candidate lobotomies. To achieve an America receptive to the “special” needs of America’s job creators requires a class of politicians willing to give their “all” for America.

Not all 2016 presidential candidates require full lobotomies; some require a mere “refresher” lobotomy to bring them in line with current Republican “thinking.” Rick Santorum and Mike Huckabee had complete lobotomies during the 2012 presidential campaign.

Texas Gov. Rick Perry, a 2012 lobotomy candidate, resisted a “refresher” lobotomy and reportedly said upon exiting the 2016 presidential primary race, “I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than another prefrontal lobotomy.”

No truer words spoken, Governor. Cheers.

• Column Title Credit: David Bowie