Chris Jepson: The modern 'A'

I was so moved by Donald Trump’s suggestion, nay recommendation, that gals who get abortions also get a good whacking that I came-up with a few of my own. Perhaps you’ll be so moved as well that when you write out your check to the GOP, you’ll request that your gift underwrite a solid caning of some particularly egregious offender.

What might those be? An egregious offender must, by implication, make egregious choices. Let me rattle-off a few possibilities that I personally know of. A high school senior finds herself pregnant by a sweet, air-biscuit of a lad. She wants to pursue medicine. Another is of a woman who marries a chap, finds herself three months into the marriage and goes, “Suh-weeeet Lordy, the mistakes one makes.” Wants out and is a month along. Finally, you’re a woman approaching 40, you’ve had enough children and want no more, yet, you’ve now another, a tribute to the cocktail hour.

For goodness sake, every woman who’s ever had an abortion has done so for personal reasons. I would have it no other way. Would you?

But back to the whacking and caning. So richly deserved, so richly earned. For an interesting option, I recommend the timelessness of stockades. Always a crowd favorite. Always. No one is beat. It’s just some of that good ol’time righteous public humiliation. The question would be at what mall would the stockades be built? Maybe it’ll grow into a regional tourist attraction. Tourist development dollars to follow for sure. Memo to self: Contact Bureau for funding.

Now, for those requiring more than the aforementioned caning and whacking and the stockades are too much like watching paint dry. . . Oh, I failed to mention a really, really popular stockade “package option”—the throwing of rotten vegetables — but of course you pay a little more. Of course.

There’s the rack. Several Midwest purveyors of such inspired justice have however, experienced costly lawsuits due to operator inexperience. Oh, and the two very public Iowa cases of practicing without a permit to rack.

Should women be punished for managing their own bodies?

That is the question, isn’t it? Oh, we could get into that whole issue of when does life start — I for one believe it starts at conception — but who best but the individual woman determining her own future?

But there’s a segment of American society that doesn’t believe that way. To them abortion is unacceptable and it is an article of their faith that American women should be restricted in their ability to think and act for themselves. That’s the crux of the issue, kids.

How best do you achieve an “abortionless” society? Make safe, affordable birth control accessible for all. There is an undeniable correlation between sex education and accessible, safe birth control and lower abortion rates. It’s a no-brainer.

But I understand the Republican approach. All over America, Republicans are restricting access to reproductive choice, primarily to middle and low income women. They do so because they think American women are incapable of thinking for themselves.

So when the leading Republican presidential candidate, Donald Trump speaks the unspoken to the long-suffering faithful—“Slap them girls around a bit”—well my little Republican Langoliers, that’s exactly who you’re in bed with.

Let’s see. Whacking. Caning. The stockade. The rack. For a little variation, why not pillorying. Waterboarding? Nah. The demand is for that good ol’time . . . Republican religion.

Hmmm? What about updating the Scarlet Letter?

Priceless.