Louis Roney: Curmudgeons

Curmudgeon: n. (1577 — origin unknown) “A crusty, ill-tempered, usually old man.” The word may come from the French, “Coeur méchant” (evil heart). But curmudgeons are not necessarily evil-hearted, and not necessarily male — or old. They are free thinking people who conceal their tenderer impulses behind a smoke screen of misanthropy.

A good current definition of a curmudgeon might be, “An enemy of phoniness and untruth, who has the guts and the style to speak his mind in a courageous, helpful, attractive way.”

Curmudgeons can’t stand sentimentality; it cheapens true sentiment.

These debunking iconoclasts complain about the human race, but may put up with certain individuals. When I think of curmudgeons, I automatically think first of “the old curmudgeon” himself, H.L. Mencken — also known as “the sage of Baltimore.”

Mark Twain was a notable — and lovable — curmudgeon, who grew in sardonic curmudgeonliness as his years piled up. Twain’s bark may have been worse than his bite, but he remained crusty and irascible to the end. Twain was concerned with the “human predicament.” What that abstruse predicament is has been the subject of much intellectual debate. Surely, the “predicament” is not one to sweeten the temper of the thinking person.

To confront an enigma is to wonder. And to wonder without hope of resolution is to be frustrated. A “curmudgeon” must be by definition a reasonably intelligent, truth-seeking person.

A crusty, ill-tempered person of questionable intelligence is perhaps better described as a “lout” — not a “curmudgeon.” W.C. Fields was a curmudgeon — as are (or were) Fred Allen, Tallulah Bankhead, Jimmy Breslin, Jonathan Swift, Samuel Johnson, Al Capp, William F. Buckley, Jr. (lofty and courtly, but curmudgeonly nevertheless), Peter de Vries, W. Somerset Maugham, Robert Frost, George S. Kaufman, Oscar Levant, Henry Morgan, Nietzsche, Dorothy Parker, George Bernard Shaw, John Simon, George F. Will, Andy Rooney, and many other brilliant people. All curmudgeons are depressed at the center of their beings — perhaps by the erosion of early ideals. Fred Allen said, “If I could get my membership fee back, I’d resign from the human race.”

Aristotle said, “Melancholy men, of all others, are the most witty.”

The predominant target of great curmudgeons is the foolish pride of the human animal.

Ambrose Bierce, American curmudgeon cum laude, defined “admiration” as “our polite recognition of another’s resemblance to ourselves.”

He also said, “An acquaintance is a person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.”

H.L. Mencken said of communism, “Like any other other religion, it is largely made up of prophesies.”

G.B. Shaw: “A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always count upon the vote of Paul.”

Mohandas Gandhi, asked what he thought of Western Civilization, said, “I think it would be a good idea.”

Mark Twain said, “I did not attend his funeral, but I wrote a nice letter saying I approved of it.”

“The English,” says Quintin Crisp, “think incompetence is the same thing as insincerity.”

James Agate adds, “The English instinctively admire any man without talent who is modest about it.”

“How is it that little children are so intelligent, and grown people are so stupid?” asks Alexandre Dumas. “It must be education that does it.”

“That all men are created equal is a proposition to which no sane individual has ever assented,” said Aldous Huxley.

Wilson Mizner says, “Those who welcome death have only tried it from the neck up.”

Alexander Smith says, “A man who gazes at stars is at the mercy of puddles in the road.”

Love is a subject which enlists interesting remarks from curmudgeons:

“Love is a grave mental disease.” – Plato

“Love is a mutual misunderstanding.” – Oscar Wilde

Wilde also said, “The Book of Life begins with a man and a woman in a garden. It ends with Revelations.”

And: “Love is like war: easy to begin, but very hard to stop.”

“Love is a narcissism shared by two.” – Rita Mae Brown

“Where they love they do not desire, and where they desire they do not love.” – Freud

“Love is the selfishness of two persons.” – Antoine de la Sale

“I know what love is: Tracy & Hepburn, Bogart & Bacall, Romeo & Juliet — Jackie & John & Marilyn.” – Ian Shoales

“Everything we do in life is based on fear, especially love.” – Mel Brooks

“Love is just another four-letter word.” – Tennessee Williams

“Love is nothing else but an insatiate thirst of enjoying a greedily desired object.” – Montaigne

“Love is a ridiculous passion which hath no being but in play-books and romances.” – Jonathan Swift

“Thousands have lived without love, not one without water.” – W.H. Auden

“To say that you can love one person all your life is like saying that one candle will continue burning as long as you live.” – Leo Tolstoy

“Don’t threaten me with love, baby.” – Billie Holiday

“The war between the sexes is the only one where both sides regularly sleep with the enemy.” – Quentin Crisp

“She’s the original good time that was had by all.” – Bette Davis

“Never go to bed mad — stay up and fight.” – Phyllis Diller

The subject of “husbands” has drawn the fire of many a curmudgeon:

‘‘Husbands are awkward things to deal with; even keeping them in hot water will not make them tender.” – Mary Buckley

“Husbands are at their best as lovers when they are betraying their wives.” – Marilyn Monroe

“Before marriage, a man declares he would lay down his life for you; after he marries you, he won’t lay down the newspaper to talk to you.” – Helen Rowland

Amen!