Chris Jepson: Murderous thoughts and other ruminations

“Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.” — Friedrich Nietzsche

Whenever I hear of someone murdered by an acquaintance I’ll sometimes joking enquire, “Did she have it coming?” Yes, I have a dark side. Don’t we all?

We’re murderous creatures, we humans. We kill in self-defense. Of course we do. We kill to protect loved ones, particularly our children. We kill in the name of patriotism. We kill to protect property. We kill out of pride. Out of greed. Out of fear. Out of hunger (every kind) and from deprivation. Out of jealousy. We kill because God is on our side. Or, isn’t. We kill for reasons of revenge. We kill because we have nothing to lose. We kill because it’s sanctioned by the state (war/capital punishment). We kill because we are mentally damaged (sick). We kill because we’re trapped, with no options. We kill to even “a” score. We kill because they have it coming (for any number of justifications).

Imagine an inner rage that festers and boils along and then – WHOOSH! – a level of violence is unleashed that is startling to behold. Imagine.

There was an incident caught on blurry film years ago (a short clip) of a jilted wife repeatedly running over her husband. It was an imposing residence, with a circular driveway, and around and around and around went the enraged wife in her luxury car, repeatedly bumping over her now ex-husband. It could have had some gallows humor but the story has a teenage daughter in the back seat. I can only imagine the counseling necessary to sort through the mixed emotions of that unfortunate child.

When I hear of a long abused spouse (women mostly) who finally “snap” and give their abuser his just desserts, I don’t necessarily think ill of the long-suffering victim. I think “about damn time” and I hope her experience of violence and misery mitigates whatever punishment the courts impose. But that’s me.

There is one individual in my life that if the Gods truly understood justice/scales/crimes against me would now be dead. Some of us have experienced “Little Hitlers” in our lives; individuals who only murder at a spiritual level. They suck the marrow of life right out of you. Such that when you hear “that” voice, your stomach turns. I speak of this person and it’s been decades from my last contact. That is how long such emotions can linger. For some.

My brother eons ago was a lifeguard on a military base. His boss would walk around smoking cigarettes, casually, indifferently tossing them on the pool deck. He inevitably insisted that my brother pick them up. We laughed then at all the ways his humiliation could match his arrogance, his suffering commensurate with his hubris. My brother eventually quit and we laugh today—yet my brother still bristles a bit—reliving this man’s insulting behavior.

Few of us would be alive today, arguably, if we necessarily got what we deserved. Few of us are Snow White. Actually, few to none. All of us are imperfect. Flawed.

You become what you think. My favorite mythologist is Joseph Campbell. His mantra of “let it go” is appropriate advice when mired in dark thoughts. The abyss is always near. Available. Whether or not it is where you dwell is the choice.