Chris Jepson: What this election has been reduced to

To pee, or not to pee—that is not the question: Whether ‘tis nobler to sit and pee and suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous slander Or to stand against such feminist slurs And by standing win an election. — Tip of the hat to William Shakespeare

I’ve been considering the course of this presidential election and how I might influence its outcome. I believe I’ve stumbled onto an issue that will swing the election to Hillary Clinton, my preferred candidate.

My darling daughter put up a post on Facebook that brought out the intensity of fervent believers. She asked: “Question- an office with a single toilet: Should the men put the seat down when done? At first I thought 'men should put it down.' But I realize that no one wants to touch a public toilet . . .”

Well, that kicked-off quite an exchange. I have a firm opinion on this subject and after a few response posts, I offered the following: “Any shared office toilet, all men should sit down to pee. I've sat down in my home now for over 20 years. The amount of "spray" from a standing man's pee is disgusting. No man in his right mind — once that dawns on him — does not sit down to urinate. It has nothing to do with one's masculinity, it's all about hygiene and cleanliness.”

I know, I know. My more conservative male readers just coughed-up their “left” lungs exclaiming, “I knew it. I just knew it. Such a liberal weenie. All real men stand to urinate?” Really?

I stand by my assessment that, “It has nothing to do with one's masculinity, it's all about hygiene and cleanliness.” If you’re a guy and live alone, go ahead and micturate any ol’ way you chose. You’re the one cleaning the bathroom, go ahead and spray away. But for all those “standing” husbands (boyfriends, etc.) out there, if you are not automatically cleaning in and around the stool once a week, have the decency to sit down. Common courtesy, reciprocity and respect between the sexes demands as much.

Should this become an issue in the presidential campaign? “Why not?” I ask. Don the Con has already introduced such private “issues.” Here’s a direct quote from the man, “Look at those hands, are they small hands?” during one of the Republican debates, raising his hands for all to see. “And, he [Marco Rubio] referred to my hands – ‘If they're small, something else must be small.' I guarantee you there's no problem. I guarantee.”

So we’ve guaranteed that he’s a real man – you know – down there. And did not Don the Con say of Fox News’ Megan Kelly, “You could see there was blood coming out of her eyes, blood coming out of her wherever.” Yet another reference to the — you know— down there “whatevers.”

Next Monday (Sept. 26) NBC’s Lester Holt will moderate the first presidential debate. He should simply ask, “Mr. Trump, sir, do you pee standing-up or do you sit down?”

Now Don the Con will have to be genuinely crafty here. If he imperiously declares, “Hell no,” he’ll further alienate an already suspicious female electorate.

If he offers, “Why of course I sit down, out of profound respect for all women, Melania in particular.” Bingo, he’s done for. Women won’t believe him and he loses “real” men in staggering numbers because of his betrayal of a, uh, hmmm, “closely-held” macho value.

And, hello Hillary White House.